NASCAR Would Be Way More Exciting if Cars Raced in a Square

By Bobby “Big Bucks” O’Leary, Sports Riot Senior NASCAR Contributor

I love stock car racing as much as the next guy, but after watching these beautiful machines race around in a kind of round but still straight track for years, it’s time we do something to elevate the sport. Quite frankly, NASCAR would be way more exciting if we had the cars race in a square. 

NASCAR is for men, and men are straight and like things that are strong, like lines. Squares have long lines. While that egg thing had a good run, a square means four straightaways, opening up all kinds of new speeds and powers—because maximum speed means maximum power. Have you ever seen a car go 2,000 miles per hour? This is what straight lines do.

After the drivers get really good at squares, then NASCAR can replace their wimpy, circle-wheeled cars with manly airplanes. If airplanes are faster than cars, and I think they are, then I want to eventually see these professional racers driving planes in a big flat box for five hours without having a pit crew having to replace any gears or wings. Square-lined boxes have better airflow, more aerodynamics, and stronger shape, all of the components us men need for a big, straight NASCAR race.