NFL Discovers Thousands Of Tapes Of You Cooking Dinner Filmed By The Patriots

A year-long investigation into the New England Patriots by NFL culinary agents has revealed in a bombshell report that the franchise has been filming you cook dinner for years and has thousands of tapes on your every move in the kitchen of your home.

The Patriots installed surveillance equipment in your refrigerator, spice rack, and cupboards to look over your pre-cook walkthrough. 

Scouts would then pass the tapes of you singing along to your Spotify playlist while preparing pasta to the coaching staff, who would break down how to chop, julienne, and slice a variety of vegetables, ensuring well-fed players who could then outwork the competition on game day.

The complex surveillance program included a secret ingredient library inside the team’s Foxborough headquarters that featured bay leaves, flaky sea salt, and the umami booster MSG, which they used to enhance the depth of their offensive line.

The Patriots issued a statement in response to the investigation’s conclusions, saying in part, “The New England Patriots are thrilled to have your great grandmother’s oatmeal chocolate chip cookie recipe, which we acquired while you ate dinner with your family in the other room.”

Scouts believe that this edge will be the advantage they need for the Patriots this year. 

Coach Bill Belichick denied taping any cooking, saying that while he personally goes through your house and eats your food each and every night, he never records. And furthermore there is no NFL rule that says one can’t walk through your house, eat your things, and not record. 

NFL commissioner Roger Goodell condemned the Patriots and in response announced the league will punish the Patriots with a three-month subscription of Blue Apron at no cost, and would burn all of the recovered tapes, immediately.