NFL Once Again Reminds Jacksonville Optimus Prime Not Available To Draft

With the NFL draft just days away, the league is almost ready for the biggest event of the offseason. There was just one last piece of unfinished business: Commissioner Roger Goodell has had his annual meeting with the Jacksonville Jaguars to remind them, for the last goddamned time, not to draft Optimus Prime.

“Every year, it’s the same thing with them,” huffed the commissioner. “At this point I’m not even angry, I’m just disappointed.”

“Look at his measurables,” beamed Jaguars general manager James Gladstone. “He’s 100 feet tall, 10,000 lbs, and can drive through space. So yeah, he’s the top player on our board.”

This is hardly the first time Jacksonville has attempted to draft Optimus Prime. For the past 19 years, every single draft, they have tried to select the Transformers star, only to be forced to pivot at the last minute over eligibility concerns.

“We were thrilled last year when they traded up to take Travis Hunter. We thought they were finally past this Transformers phase.” said Goodell. “Unfortunitely, we later learned that they thought ‘two-way player’ meant person and car. We’re still not sure if they ever figured out it doesn’t.”

This year, the Jaguars seem to have narrowed their selection down to two players: Ohio State All-American Safety Caleb Downs, and, of course, Optimus Prime. “Downs is a phenomenal player,” Jaguars head coach Liam Coen told us. “He’s a rangey safety with 4.4 speed and incredible instincts. However, he lacks the ability to turn into a truck. I think our choice is clear.”