White Sox Emo Theme Night Like Every Other Game
It’s been over twenty years since the White Sox threw a championship parade, but that doesn’t stop the Black Parade from marching through the South Side every home game. The doom and gloom of pennantless seasons and black jerseys are a familiar sight at Guaranteed Rate Field, making the White Sox’s once-per-year “Emo Night” virtually indistinguishable from any other game.
“This promo might’ve been a slight miscalculation,” said Mike Downey, White Sox Senior Director of Marketing and Promotions. “Our fanbase already suffers through 100-loss summers dressed like they’re attending a funeral. Replacing our ‘Kiss Cam’ with a ’Brood Cam’ was just redundant. And passing out The Bell Jar instead of programs was useless—everyone in attendance already brought their own tear-stained copies.”
Fans agreed the night felt just like any other Sox loss. “Call it whatever you want, the suffering is the same,” said mascara-laden elder emo Tim Kinsella. “Nobody could possibly understand what we’re feeling. It’s like only the popular teams get to win. It was so bad out there that Murakami was trying to get hit just so he could feel something. We can’t even muster The Wave,” sighed Kinsella. “Instead, we do a park-wide shrug.”
“The mood in the clubhouse is hopeless,” agreed Chicago skipper Will Venable, pausing after the game to pry off the individual cleats he had glued to his Vans. “The guys started wearing their eye black like eyeliner, traded their pants for skinny jeans, and grew swoopy bangs. But the nail in the coffin was when every single player changed their walk-on music to the intro of ‘Never Meant’ by some band called ‘American Football.’ For crying out loud, that’s not even the right sport.”
In even worse news for the Sox and their depressed devotees—Emo Night was accidentally scheduled during an away game. But in true emo spirit, the fans and team still showed up, sighing in unison as imperceivable black fireworks shot into the pitch-black nothingness of the Chicago night every time the opposing team scored.
