Mike Trout Insists He’s Staying With The Angels Lose Or Lose

Reached by Zoom at his house in Newport Beach, Calif., Angels All-Star centerfielder Mike Trout confirmed Monday that he’s committed to staying with the Los Angeles Angels whether they go 0–162, 15–147, or even, in the best of circumstances, 43–119 this season. 

“These are my guys. And Anaheim is home,” said the 34-year-old New Jersey native and three-time MVP. “I’ve been with them since the beginning, through all the downs and the downs, through thin and thin, through losses and outright embarrassments. So why would I give up on such an unsure thing? To pursue success elsewhere? Ha! That would be ridiculous — and unprecedented.” 

In fact, it wouldn’t: Trout’s erstwhile teammate Shohei Ohtani has enjoyed mega success since moving a mere 30 miles away to Dodgers Stadium: back-to-back MVPs, back-to-back World Series rings, and the first-ever entry to Baseball’s 50-50 Club. 

When informed of Ohtani’s success since leaving the Angels, Trout stared skeptically beyond his Zoom camera. “Yeah, Kurt [Suzuki, the Angels’ manager] told me that was a hoax. I know Shohei had to return to Japan because his dad got sick. He’s coming back in June.” 

As for the next few seasons with the Halos? “I’ve got big plans,” the star said. “I want to get [Tigers’ 2-time Cy Young Award winner] Tarik Skubal down here to learn how to shit the bed with us — and maybe even [Dodgers’ RF] Kyle Tucker can come over, get injured again, and really steer us hard into a complete mid-season tailspin. These guys need to get a taste of what’s going on here in Anaheim.” 

Wistfully, Trout rattled off a few more free agents he’d like to see in red and white. “We might not win ’em all,” he admitted. “But you know what they say: You lose some, you lose all of them.”