Nick Bosa Becomes Self-Aware And Immediately Attacks His Captors

Visitors at Levi’s Stadium yesterday were put on high alert when the San Francisco 49ers returned from their Seattle road game and alpha defensive line specimen, referred to by the coaching staff affectionately as “Nick Bosa,” suddenly became aware of his surroundings and attacked his handlers.

“We assumed we had Nick completely domesticated by this point,” said primary Bosa caretaker Kris Kocurek, who noted that Bosa first chose to brutally maul nearest competitive male Chase Young before turning his attention towards the same coaching staff that had fed, bathed, and socialized him for months. “We trained Nick to understand basic visual cues and hand gestures so that he’d stop tackling his own teammates, but we severely underestimated his raw wild savageness.”

Speaking from Kaiser Permanente Santa Clara Hospital, head coach Kyle Shanahan lamented the errors leading to Bosa’s catastrophic rampage.

“There’s no controlling instinct,” Shanahan said, staring wistfully at a picture of him dreaming of what could be. “Nick did exactly what Nick was bred to do, and four nearby cheerleaders and a staff strength and conditioning coach paid the ultimate price for our hubris.”

Bosa escaped the practice facility despite being shot with darts containing over 12 cc of defensive end tranquilizer. While his whereabouts remain unknown, San Francisco residents are warned to avoid eye contact with Bosa at all costs (especially if wearing a Seahawks jersey) if they spot him, as he may view this action as threatening and barbarically sack everyone in the area.