Opinion: Taunting? All He Did Was Yell ‘Suck My Taint, You Limp-Dicked Motherfuckers!’ While Pretending To Teabag An Injured Player

Saturday’s suspension of 11-year-old Pop Warner linebacker Mikey Zuber for allegedly yelling “suck my taint, you limp-dicked motherfuckers!” to an injured tailback while pretending to teabag him is, to be frank, downright bullshit.

As a former Pop Warner player and the father of three boys who passed through Pop Warner — two being NCAA All-Americans, the other being a fucking pussy — I’ve seen a lot worse go unpunished.

I’ve seen a receiver fend off a cornerback with a shiv. I’ve seen a nose tackle swallow the center’s teeth. I’ve seen a touchdown celebration in which the fullback climbed into the bleachers and banged their quarterback’s mom for almost 30 minutes.

None of these — save the last one — racked up more than a five-yard penalty. 

But Mikey Zuber, who didn’t so much as touch another player after the whistle, gets suspended for five games?

Are you fucking kidding me?

Folks, when I played, teabagging was for real. You didn’t get out of the first half without tasting the other team’s balls. Taint? That’s nothing. Taint-taunting — real or simulated — is part of the game. It’s what you do. 

Is it possible, then, that Zuber’s outburst was merely an homage to his gridiron forefathers?

Look, most refs in this league will turn a blind eye when a kicking tee is used as an enema or when my wife Henrietta climbs down from the stands to tackle the tight end before he reaches the end zone.

But it only takes one rotten egg to spoil the frittata. And I refuse to stand by while this so-called “referee” makes a mockery of this sacred game.  

The fact that I, a youth football fan, no longer feel like I can approach the opposing tailback’s sister and punch her in the face without getting ejected, is a sign that there’s something seriously wrong with the direction of the league.