Phew: Justin Tucker Receives Presidential Pardon

There’s a happy ending after all for shiatsu superfan/embattled NFL star Justin Tucker. The world’s greatest foot has been given a hand via a Presidential pardon.

“When my assistant told me the President was on the phone, I didn’t believe it,” said NFL commissioner Roger Goodell. “But there he was, telling me I had to reinstate Justin. It’s the fourth time he’s called with a reinstatement request. Unfortunately, it’s usually for players who are already dead. But this being the first living one and given he has zero authority here but still is President, we actually had to talk about it.”

Tucker may have found a kindred spirit at 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue. “Let’s face it, Mr. Tucker’s miserable statistical performance last season is clearly a result of the radical-Left Biden agenda. His resulting deportation from the NFL is the woke media at its worst,” White House press secretary Karoline Leavitt exclaimed. “If anyone truly understands that, it’s the Commander in Chief. Honestly, this is some Harrison Butker-level bullcrap.”

The Baltimore Ravens were unavailable for comment, but one team source anonymously offered, “No time to talk about Justin, too busy looking for a leg. Any leg. Moral high ground means jack in the playoffs. We’ll trot out a serial killer if he won’t shank two 3’s and a PAT against the Eagles.”