Philadelphia Phillies Becomes First MLB Team Not Allowed To Sell Souvenir Bats
In the lead up to this past weekend’s big series against the Nationals the Phillies President Andy MacPhail announced last week that the Phillies’ stadium would begin selling 26” souvenir bats and that significant precautions and disaster recovery planning has taken place to avoid any future incidents. “Our fans are not a bunch of cartoonishly violent degenerates. They’re smart and passionate fans who try to help their city in earnest and we should celebrate that!”
The Philadelphia Phillies have of course not sold authentic, or even 26” souvenir bats since the early 90s. “I thought we learned our lesson after bring your own bat day,” said longtime one-eyed security guard Marco Reyes. “I guess they found a loophole, these are just little souvenir bats,” giggled Reyes.
Andy MacPhail made it perfectly clear that the embargo placed upon them by President Clinton only legally applied to their old stadium and old bats, not these teeny-tiny 26” souvenir bats. “The wonderful fans of Philadelphia have learned and grown!”
Before the first pitch was even thrown, Phillies fans, armed with nothing but 26” souvenir beat-sticks, had already captured 14 beer carts and smashed out all lights in what Andy MacPhail simply called “a home field advantage”. One of the dozens of security guards that had been rounded up and thrown into the in-stadium jail managed to call the police.
Amidst a standoff with the US military, regular Philadelphians with just 26” souvenir tribal blood-sticks had solidified capture of several armed vehicles and began gaining ground requiring the White House to call in national reinforcements. When the Washington Nationals declared they’d forfeit the series resulting in an automatic three game win(s) for Philadelphia, fans immediately put down their mere 26” souvenir death-sticks, cheered, and calmly went home.
In a statement today in conjunction with the US Military, National Security Agencies, FEMA, and the UN – Major League Baseball has given the Phillies a lifetime ban from selling souvenir bats of any kind.
No comment from the Phillies organization.
Too harsh a penalty? For mere 26” souvenir bats?
