Report: Rub Dirt On It

Breaking news out of the world of sports medicine; it is being reported that rather than laying there crying about being injured, athletes should instead rub some dirt on it and get back in the game.

Once thought to only help with bumps, bruises, and deep lacerations; this groundbreaking study has led to the discovery of the potentially limitless healing powers of dirt, “Sprained ankle? Rub some dirt on it, get back out there. Dislocated shoulder? Rub some dirt on it, get back out there. Broken arm. Rub some dirt on it and get back out there,” exclaimed Dr. James Andrews who personally funded the research. 

Andrews noted his commitment to advancing medical science and giving the best care possible to his patients as the driving factor for his financial commitment but admitted it was partially due to his own nostalgia of his playing days, “People today are too damn soft–when I was younger you just toughened up, rubbed dirt on it, and got back out there.”

The news sent ripples through the professional sports community. Major League Baseball commissioner, Rob Manfred says he’s ‘cautiously optimistic’ about this helping their bottomline, but would be vigilant in fighting any use of performance enhancing dirt. The NBA will provide players with personal supplies of dirt on the sidelines, while the NHL is looking into adding dirt to the ice. 

For their part the NFL has decided to no longer provide health insurance to retired players; stating, “If they just weren’t so soft, they could rub dirt on their CTE.”