Retired NFL Kicker Asks Wife If She Needs Him To Kick Anything Today

Anxious to feel useful for the first time since his retirement from football, sources say that former NFL kicker Peter Neal once again asked his wife if she needs him to kick anything today.

“For the last time, kicking is not the solution to our problems,” shrieked Fiona Neal in a fit of rage. “You can’t kick food on the table, you can’t kick money into our mortgage. Is there anything your foot can do?”

While Neal acknowledged his family has fallen on hard times since his retirement, he has found some limited kicking work as a security guard, martial arts instructor, and warehouse worker. 

“We’ve never been more efficient than with Pete kicking packages 50 yards into our delivery trucks,” said Neal’s former boss, Gene Bay. “Unfortunately, the cost of so many destroyed packages left us with no choice but to let him go.”

According to sources, Fiona will continue to stick by her husband for now. But, if he doesn’t find a stable income soon, she’ll “have no issue kicking his ass to the curb.”