Retired Synchronized Swimmer Not Sure What To Do With Newfound Individuality

Newly retired synchronized swimmer Valerie Brandt has admitted she’s unsure how to swim with her newfound individuality. During a one-on-one interview with Sports Riot, Brandt opened up about the challenges she’s faced in adapting to an autonomous lifestyle.

“My whole life I’ve known nothing but synchro. This may sound sad, but it’s comforting to know exactly when to albatross twirl and when to swordalina,” said Brandt, adding that however long she had to eggbeater for, it was reassuring that there were always seven other women wearing identical fluorescent one-pieces eggbeatering by her side. 

After being asked “so what’s next?” Brandt replied, “I’m definitely going to crane. I’ve always enjoyed craning…I think,” before breaking down into a fit of tears and repeatedly crying out “who am I?” Shortly thereafter, Brandt’s family ended the interview and rushed her to a doctor who specializes in helping institutionalized ex-Olympians cope with the struggles of solo-aquatic expression.