Rusty Eagles Fan Needs A Few Games To Get Into Midseason Harassment Shape

Following a summer of warm weather, fresh air, and an alarming lack of battery-throwing, one Eagles fan admitted he was nowhere near midseason-harassment shape and would need a few games to whip himself into condition.

“I spent too much time at the shore these last few months. I listened to too much Sinatra. I even felt fleeting moments of happiness. It was disturbing,” McInnes said of the off-season events that atrophied his harassment muscles.  “I couldn’t even vomit on a little girl walking down the pier in a Cowboy’s jersey. God I’m rusty. And the season’s already started.”

McInness has committed to returning to what he calls “Philly shape” over the next few weeks.  “I wake up every morning to the audio of Donovan McNabb puking in the 2005 Super Bowl. Then, I jog down Broad Street and scream at oncoming cars who think they’re better than me,” McInnes explained of his harassment routine. “Then, I run up the art museum steps and chug a pint of light beer. At night, I ask my wife to give me blue balls. This helps me become the biggest asshole I can be.”

McInnes explained it will take a few Eagles games for this routine to muster the
“blinding, unfocused rage” and “complete disinhibition” needed to climb poles, whip projectiles, and provoke even the mildest of attendees into thoughts of murdering him. 

“I’m almost there, just a few more reps,” McInness said, before adding “all these jerkoffs at the Linc won’t know what hit ‘em…It’ll probably be a 9-volt battery.”