Urban Meyer Still Lurking For Next Opportunity

Claiming he was “trailing in the fourth, but not out of it yet,” disgraced Jaguars coach Urban Meyer gave a surprise press conference on Wednesday maintaining that he was actively lurking for his next job.

“Training young players, shaping their minds, and watching their girlfriends grow was the thrill of my career,” said the 58-year-old, who mentioned that he did not need to fall in love with his next place of employment, as long as it made him feel good for twenty minutes. “I may be denied the opportunity to return to my field right now, but rest assured I will never take ‘no’ for an answer and will never stop lurking for new opportunities.”

Sources close to the coach agreed, noting that since his firing, Meyer had not taken one day off from traveling to college campuses across the country and asking any coed he could confirm was over the age of 18 if she knew of any open positions.

“Urban’s been relentless: When a team’s front office leaves for the night, he’s right there in the dim light of the parking garage, waiting for them,” said Meyer’s longtime friend and fraternity brother, James “The Jizzmeister” Collins. “But he’s also being smart: He’s not lurking to pick up the first hot, young job that approaches him. My boy knows he’ll have a higher success rate if he lets the job come to him, and maybe plays the field a little bit.”

Meyer himself admitted to holding strict standards for a position, noting that the ideal scenario would be to lurk for an easy, vulnerable job that had recently been dumped by its previous occupant. The coach also warned potential suitors that he would flat-out refuse an offer from any company over 23 years old.