Watson Hoped Slap On Wrist Would Be Slap On Penis

Sources close to suspended Cleveland Browns’ quarterback Deshaun Watson say that the player hoped his recent punishment for assaulting dozens of masseuses would be less a slap on the wrist and more of a slap on the penis. 

Watson’s legal team reportedly worked hard to secure the deal, toiling vigorously under the towel with NFL officials to secure gentle discipline for the Cleveland star. “The NFL pushed for a 12-game suspension and we countered with a penis touch,” a statement from one of Watson’s lawyers said. “For a while, it appeared they were going to go with a firm slap of the ass, but we settled on the wrist.”

Though Watson was disappointed no erogenous zones were going to be hit, he requested the punishment be carried out by either Brittany, Michelle S., or Tina. The league denied his request.

“No matter,” Watson said of the situation. “I always run towards adversity. And me and my penis are ready for a fight. I’m open to whoever slapping my wrist as long as they sign an NDA.” Watson expects the punishment to be so hard on his psyche that he has already scheduled a full-body massage to follow.