US Government Enlists Nick Saban To Scream At Economy Until We Reach Proper Performance

The U.S. Department of Commerce announced on Monday its plans to enlist University of Alabama head football coach Nick Saban to scream the economy back to pre-COVID performance levels.

“The economy sucks,” said U.S. Secretary of Commerce Gina Raimondo. “But seeing how Saban turned Alabama Football around between 2007 and ’09, we’re confident he can yell us back to the black.” 

While the U.S. ranks first in overall economy, it ranks only 20th on the Prosperity Index and has amassed a $2.2 trillion deficit so far this year. “I’d like to scream that down to $1.3 by the fourth quarter,” said Saban, with his signature grin. “And you all know I’m the king of the fourth quarter.”

How does “Nicky Satan” plan to turn things around? “Screaming,” he said. “Screaming. Screaming. Film. Screaming.” He said he’s been making on-site visits to the economy, including a whole Saturday afternoon in which he and his team sat by a Chick-fil-A register and watched dollars and cents change hands. That night they went over every transaction.

Saban’s also been making house calls to scream at what he calls “recruits,” or people whom he hopes to coerce back into the economy. His main target is the “work-from-homer” who dropped out of the economy during the COVID-19 pandemic.

“These entitled ass-clowns,” Saban said. “They think they’re going to change the world by reading a fucking book to their kids. No. Not on my watch. I tell them unless they want a knife under their ribs, they better dump the kid at daycare, put on that Chipotle hat, and ask if I want brown rice or juniper berries with my burrito.”

“Saban’s ripped into reporters, fans, students — even Jimbo Fisher,” said Raimondo. “In our opinion, the economy doesn’t stand a chance.”

Asked about the new gig, Saban said that after years of dealing with the ’Bama boosters, government lobbyists are a breeze. “Just, please,” he said, “don’t send me back to the NFL.”