Shirtless, Blindfolded Gardner Minshew Doing Kung Fu On Sideline

Is it the glorious mullet? The katana-sharp mustache? Or his shirtless body glistening in the bright lights of primetime as he trains tirelessly to be the world’s deadliest backup quarterback? Whatever it is, the nation was captivated after a sideline cam caught Gardner Minshew doing blindfolded kung fu on the sideline.

“We don’t disturb Grandmaster Minshew when he’s doing his Possum-style Kung Fu during the game,” said Jonathan Taylor. “Once he gets in the zone, there’s no breaking his concentration. I once saw him meditating under a waterfall of brown wastewater cascading down from the upper deck, he was there for hours chanting Motley Crue lyrics and his cigarette never went out.”

His physical prowess has quickly earned Minshew a devoted fandom, but even when he might appear to be distracted, the ‘Master of the Rattlesnake Fist’ always has his head in the game. 

“Sifu Minshew doesn’t watch football games so much as he ‘senses’ them,” said Coach Shane Steichen. “One time he was doing no-hand push ups on the gatorade coolers and without looking up he said, ‘Runner was short — challenge it, Shane.’ And by God he was right, won us the game.”

His legend has spread for years, like the time an adoring fan threw her panties at Minshew, who winked at the woman, backflipped 10 feet into the air, and was wearing them by the time he landed. But his teammates will tell you the Tallahassee Turkey Tangler’s exploits are anything but tall tales.

“One time Myles Garrett tried to sack him. I swear to god Sensei Minshew did the splits and grabbed his balls with some move called the ‘Cockroach Clutch’ until Garrett shit his pants right there on the 50-yard line,” said Jason Kelce. “It was the most fucked up thing I’ve ever seen, and I live in Philadelphia.”

So where does Minshew get his skills? He credits it all to his own Sensei, John Daly — or the ‘Daly Llama,’ as he calls him.