Something Is Wrong: “Sk8er Boi” Played Three Times Over Stadium Speakers

Authorities are reporting that the song “Sk8er Boi” by Avril Lavigne was played three times in a row during Sunday’s matchup, causing mass panic and hysteria among spectators, staff and even athletes in the stadium. 

“How could this happen? I don’t care that I spent $300 to come here with my family, I had to get us the heck out of there,” said former fan David Cogman, who says he snatched noise-canceling earmuffs off his infant child’s head in order to protect himself after realizing in horror that the full track was being used. 

Sources report that the stadium’s PA announcer urged the crowd to remain calm moments before the mass exodus, which instantly injured 19 people. “My boyfriend had gotten down on one knee and was about to propose when the song started playing, and the greatest moment of my life instantly became the worst. We both vomited, and I ran away. I haven’t seen him since, and I don’t want to,” said Claire Yousefi, one of hundreds of fans currently involved in a class action lawsuit against the league.

While many have speculated that the stadium’s DJ must have recently been dumped, a special task force was gathered to analyze verses such as “he was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it any more obvious?” in an effort to uncover who was behind the attack.

With the mounting pressure of fights breaking out, loved ones saying their goodbyes and multiple fires spreading across the arena, officials had no choice but to call the game off in the second quarter. Later on Sunday, the FBI officially named Avril Lavigne and stadium DJ Chad Kroeger as their primary suspects.