Stanley Cup Prepares For Another Year Of Hanging Out With Drunk Assholes

After spending the past year perpetually partying and nursing hangovers with the Tampa Bay Lightning, the Stanley Cup has reportedly been mentally preparing itself for another year of hanging out exclusively with drunk assholes. Sources close to the Cup confirm it’s been undergoing some much needed R&R before inevitably rallying with another group of rowdy 18-50-year-olds for its 130th straight championship bender.

“Ugh, did I just get another bunch of assholes’ names engraved on me? I’ve gotta quit drinking,” the Cup mumbled after waking up in a puddle of goalie vomit next to two naked ‘Cup Chasers.’ After seeing the markings on its silver, witnesses reported hearing the Cup sobbing from the floor of a shower as hot water filled its cup and ran down its depressed, shuddering body.

“In…out…in…out,” the Cup meditated aloud on its breathing to hype itself up before getting polished and hitting the NHL League Office in anticipation of another blowout summer with the new champs. Upon seeing the league standings, the Cup vomited, its hangover apparently resisting the Pedialyte and hash brown skillet breakfast it had that morning.

Upon returning from the bathroom where it popped six more Advil, Stanely Cup’s friends the Larry O’Brien Trophy, Vince Lombardi Trophy, and MLB Commissioner’s Trophy were waiting to give it an intervention and implore it to hang out with more respectable athletes.