The Best Martial Arts For Pregnant Women

With babies in their wombs, pregnant women are much larger targets for all attackers—from common muggers to hordes of embittered, machete-wielding samurai Nazis. To defend themselves and their lineage, martial arts training is key. So, here are the best martial arts systems for expecting mothers:

Karate: This ancient Japanese art is great for anyone who values self-defense, especially those punching for two. With belts that go up in colors and sizes as babies grow, women [with child] can scare off attackers from a distance, morning sickness be damned, or deliver sternum-shattering knee strikes up close.

Lamaze: With a focus on breathwork and relaxation, Lamaze is specifically geared toward teaching pregnant women how to endure extreme levels of pain. If you, in your third trimester, find yourself in a vicious street fight to the death against a local crime kingpin and ex-bare-knuckle boxer, you’ll be grateful Lamaze techniques have turned you into a human pitbull who feels no pain and knows no exhaustion.

Guns: With an emphasis on flesh wounds and blood loss, guns are the quickest and easiest self-defense tactic to learn. When used properly, agonizing pain will have your attacker begging God Almighty for an anesthetizing epidural while you stand over their red, seizing body coldly munching on ice chips.

Fight Club: Shhh.

Jeet Kune Do: Bruce Lee’s Kung Fu is a mixture of tai chi, boxing, and street fighting. Its improvisational nature makes it difficult to formulate into specific tenets; however, you can harness Bruce’s “be like water” spirit by mentally inducing your own labor. Through the umbilical cord, your child will have received combat training (mostly kicks) along with nourishment to prepare them to be delivered in an alley surrounded by gangs of rabid, disgraced cage fighters. Oh, how the tables have turned.