Think You Have What It Takes To Play In The NFL? Well, You Don’t.

We see you out there, with your 5:00 am kale smoothies and nonstop hype track featuring Jay-Z’s “Run This Town” eight times in a row. We know how slick you think you are working out in that weight room late at night after convincing the gym manager to let you do just a few more sets after he locks the doors. But before you go any further, let’s make one thing absolutely clear:

No way in fuck are you good enough to play in the NFL.

You think your combine stats are anything special? Hate to break it to you, but my six-year-old, prematurely arthritic niece can run a better 40 in her sleep. Think that JV district championship trophy you won for your inbred, 15-student high school’s display case mean you could ever see the words “All-SEC” next to your name? We hate to break it to you, but the only things that make you remotely close to “college athlete material” are that one time you cheated off a test, and the HPV you don’t even know you have.

Oh, you’re in a rec league? That’s real cute. Try shoving off of a 342-pound lineman while you’ve got the screams of 50,000 away fans pounding through your ears. That’ll put that pathetic little juke move you pulled on Daniel from Accounts Receivable last Thursday into context, won’t it?

We understand: you’re getting older, and you’re giving one last pathetic blast of loser air into this bullshittery so that you don’t miss out on your “dreams.” Yeah, well, we wanted to be a serious newspaper. Everyone’s got stupid dreams. But eventually we all grow up and realize that we’re suited for a particular purpose, and, especially in your case, it ain’t gonna be anything approaching glamorous, high-paying, or least of all athletic.

As for our purpose? We’ve found it, too: it’s us telling you to give it up. It’s over.