Trump Bans Biathletes

With the stroke of his pen, President Trump has changed the identity of the Olympics forever. Flanked by members of the Fellowship of Christian Athletes, Trump signed an executive order on Tuesday banning Olympic biathletes.

“We’re making the Olympics great again,” declared Trump from the Oval Office. “It’s horrible what they’re letting in these days. People are telling me the athletes are bi. Did you hear this? Even the curlers are bi-curious. Now they’re saying they’ve got queer-questioning cross-country skiers. SAD.”

When asked by a CNN reporter if he knew what a biathlete was, Trump became indignant.

“Seems like I’m talking to one right now, piggy,” snapped the commander in chief. “Maybe fake news CNN wouldn’t have negative infinity viewers if you didn’t ask such bi questions. What a disgrace. Your ratings went bye-bye because you’re bi.”

The president remained blunt when explaining his rationale for the executive order.

“Just be gay-athlete or be straight-athlete [sic]. Frankly, the bi-ness is ruining our country,” mused Trump. “People can’t stick to one thing anymore. It’s the patriotic men and women of this country working multiple jobs who make America great. Some of them even wake up at the crack of dawn, ski down a mountain all morning, and then spend the afternoon shooting targets. Try telling those hard-working patriots about biathletes.”

White House Press Secretary Karoline Leavitt wasted no time praising Trump at her daily briefing. “The president has just made the straightest speech in American history, one for which he deserves a gold medal,” declared Leavitt. “He’s the only politician in the world brave enough to stand up for the spirit of the Olympics and the ancient Greek traditions of athleticism and straightness.”