Trump Threatens To Pull Funding From Tight End University

Continuing his battle with institutions of higher education such as Harvard, Columbia, and the historically black Cornerback State, President Trump announced today that he intends to withhold all federal funding and revoke the tax exempt status of Tight End University. In his announcement The President cited moral and ideological concerns with the University saying “I don’t know it just sounds very gay to me, tight ends – very gay.” 

Established by Mike Ditka in 1961 Tight End University is a trade school. It lacks the historied pedigree and massive endowments of highly-selective institutions such as Wide Receiver College and Gruden’s QB Camp For Whites, and has depended on federal funding since the Johnson administration’s 1963 Reforms For Positional Equality.

“We’re here at TEU to show linebackers that they can be more. They don’t have to settle for defense,” said TEU Dean Geroge Kittle. “We can take a 6’3” 250 pound white guy and give him a real chance in today’s America. Give us four years and he’ll be spiking touchdowns and dating pornstars.”

There are ongoing student protests on the TEU campus to The White House’s demands that TEU refuse admission to any international tight end and maintain an entirely white student body. This is already the case.