Jets and Sauce Gardner Agree to Four-Year, Five-Win Deal

In a groundbreaking deal for the New York Jets, the team and All-Pro cornerback Sauce Gardner agreed to a deal keeping the star locked in the green abyss for the next four years and guaranteeing the storied franchise a colossal five wins over that same period. Both are records for the celebrated New York football franchise located in the Jersey swamplands.

 “I’m thrilled, but I’m a little nervous,” exclaimed Gardner. “Five wins is a lot to live up to. I’m not sure this team’s won five total games, like, ever? That’s going to take some real work but this is a franchise changing deal. Like when the Pats locked up TB or when the Cowboys inked Deion. But I signed the deal so let’s go!”

Speaking from the Jets war room in the corner of a Hoboken Sbarro, Jets general manager Darren Mougey says he has faith in Gardner. “We wouldn’t agree to such an aggressive deal if we didn’t believe in Sauce”, said Mougey. “Think about it…he takes us from dumpster to contender!”

 The Jets resume losing when Pre-Season kicks off on August 9th.