Tua Shopping Free Agent Suitors By Seeing Which Turf is Most Comfortable to Bounce Head Off Of

Soon-to-be former Miami Dolphins QB Tua Tagovailoa is set to hit free agency for the first time in his career this offseason and his head has been bouncing around with so many ideas of where he could potentially land. Fortunately, he seems to have a solid plan: The choice will be made based on whichever team’s home turf is most comfortable handling his noggin. 

“I’ve engaged in talks with teams regarding my contract and level of play. Once we get on the same page with that, I visit the stadiums and drop a bowling ball to see how high it bounces or jump around a glass of red wine I put on the ground,” said Tua of his methodology, “Originally I was using my own head, but I’d just end up blacking out every time. That’s why my socks are ankle-high. That was the question, right?”

Other quarterbacks have reached out to Tua to lend some advice. Giants’ QB Jaxson Dart has told him that the Metlife turf is pretty harsh on his dome, while Bengals’ QB Joe Burrow ironically only knew what the turf at Paycor Stadium did to every other part of your body besides your head.

Players have employed this strategy before. In 1985, Joe Theisman broke his leg at multiple team stadiums before ultimately deciding on retirement, and most recently Damar Hamlin visited several team facilities to have his heart stopped.

After careful consideration and exposing his cranium to copious amounts of astro turf and natural grass, Tagovailoa thinks he’s found the turf that’s most right.

“I’m choosing Miami as the best place to showcase my fingerpaintings!” stated the quarterback. “Wait, what was the question, again?”