We Got The Chance To Talk With Andy Dalton And Politely Declined

Last Sunday, after a long day of insider reporting, all we wanted was a relaxing cup of coffee. We were in line at a Starbucks at the Wayfield Mall in Charlotte, North Carolina, when, out of the corner of our eye, we saw a shock of orange hair near the pick-up counter. Shit. It was Andy Dalton.

We instantly snapped our eyes back to the menu, but the Panthers backup quarterback had already seen us. He excitedly jogged over and said “Hey, you’re a reporter, right?” Desperately scanning for an exit, we quickly replied, “Sorry Mr. homeless guy, don’t have any change.”

We had hoped that would be enough to get the Red Rifle to leave, but he continued to grapple for our attention. “I’m Andy Dalton,” Andy Dalton said. “I play for the Panthers? I threw the ball to A.J. Green for like a decade? I’m a 3-time Pro Bowler?” An impressive resume, to which we said, “No hablo ingles.”

“Listen,” Dalton told us, “I’ve got the scoop of a lifetime for you. It’s an exposé that involves Roger Goodell, the Gambino crime family, and the upper reaches of the Lithuanian government. It could take down the entire NFL!” Upon hearing ‘scoop of a lifetime’, our journalistic instincts kicked in and we said “if you don’t leave right now, we’re going to call the police.” 

Though it only lasted 35 seconds before we pulled the mall’s fire alarm, we will remember our conversation with Andy Dalton forever. Remarkably, in that brief interaction, Dalton somehow managed to throw an interception.