What If We Made Baseballs Bigger And Softer? You Know, Like For Girls.

So all of us men have been talking, and we think excluding women from America’s Pastime is sexist, and we’d like to fix that. Here’s our solution: we make baseballs bigger and softer. Not for men or even small boys, but for women and girls, y’know?

Step 1: Larger, softer balls. Despite what the WNBA believes, women can use any size ball men can, so let’s give those gals some big ol’ honkin’ baseballs to play with so they can smash the patriarchy. Then we’ll make ‘em soft like those throw pillows women are always gabbin’ about.

Step 2: Seven innings instead of nine. This way, when national softball players get paid less than their baseball counterparts, there’s a reason: less innings. Did you hear that? Sounded like a glass ceiling shattering.

Step 3: Underhand pitching. There are only five possible pitches to throw underhand, and anyone who’s shopped with a woman knows how they get hysterical when given too many choices. Problem solved ladies. And, get this: next time your heterosexual son is ridiculed for “throwing like a girl,” he can respond, “No, actually, I throw like a professional softball player, thank you very much.”

Step 4: Neon green ball. We’ve seen ‘80s workout videos. Women love neon.

Step 5: There’s no crying in baseball. But softball? Heck yeah there is–you’re welcome ladies.