Yankees Finally Allow Players To Grow Full Bush

Reversing a strict 113-year tradition, New York Yankees’ head office voted Monday to allow each of their players to finally grow out the full extent of their pubic hair without intervention by a team barber. 

In a press conference, managing partner Hal Steinbrenner unveiled what he’s calling the “new look of the Yankees,” clicking through photos of bushes past (Berra, Jackson, Mattingly) and present. “You’ll notice as the date gets closer, the size of the bush” — here Steinbrenner clicked on a photo labeled Schlitter, C., no. 31, April 21, 2026 — “gets fuller.” 

The decision sparked equal parts outrage and delight within the franchise. Former clean-scroted manager Joe Girardi (2008–17) called it “sacrilege,” expressing outright indignation. “I had to inspect those things before every homestand, every road trip. You wouldn’t believe the quarrels I got into with Jason Giambi. And Johnny Damon? Forget it.” 

Added Girardi, “I mean yeah, they’ve been doing it in San Francisco as far back as Willie Mays. But we’re the Yankees. That’s supposed to mean something.” 

“I actually didn’t mind,” said former manager Buck Showalter (1992–95), who had the “honor” to check in on the likes of Bernie Williams, Paul O’Neill, and a young Mariano Rivera–who was said to have one of the most “deceptively simple” mons pubises of all time. “I still stop in occasionally to check the guys for old times’ sake, but we all agree: it’s a new era. Let the kids’ forests bloom.” 

Asked what prompted the change, Hal Steinbrenner clicked to a photo of a very full, unkempt silver bush labeled Steinbrenner, G., Aug. 14, 1999. Said the 56-year-old, “I couldn’t live with Dad’s hypocrisy,” adding, “There’s grass on the field now. And we’re gonna play ball.”