10 Best Nipples In Major League Baseball
From the delightfully perky to the downright concave, it’s no secret that the MLB has given the sport’s many male-chest-area enthusiasts a plethora of exciting nipples over its 150-year history. But with so many players’ nipples to choose from, can anyone really pick just twenty? Hold on to your hand-bras, boys, because we’re giving it a try:
- Mike Trout
Trout’s small, unassuming chest-targets have never made a grown man weep, or even won a World Series, but trust our expert nipple scouts when we tell you that statistics-wise, he has two of the best man-teats in baseball.
- Sandy Koufax
It’s not just the fact that his jimmies were the size of Mike and Ikes, it’s also the fact that Koufax’s nipples would have been even a few centimeters longer if he hadn’t have been Jewish.
- Keith Hernandez
Everyone knows Hernandez had the ‘stache of legends, but any true Cards or Mets devotee will tell you his REAL claim to fame was perfecting the elusive “haireola.”
- Roger Maris
Based on sucklability alone, Maris probably deserves to be higher on this list. Sadly, Maris’ name will always have an asterisk next to it because of that third nipple.
- Moisés Alou
Imagine the testicular fortitude it takes to step up to the plate with NO BATTING PASTIES ON! For that alone, Alou earns our number six spot. Fun fact: although legend has it Alou peed on his nipples to toughen them up, it’s never been confirmed.
- Jason Giambi
His inclusion is basically mandatory in this list, if nothing else for breaking the MLB’s Piercing Barrier.
- Ken Griffey Jr.
Like father, like son. ‘Nuff said.
- Curt Schilling
We’ll never forget the 7 innings of pain, determination, and unimaginable sensitivity Schilling displayed during his “bloody shirt” game. And of course, those lucky enough to be traveling through Cooperstown can still see Schilling’s nipples in their permanent display case at the Hall of Fame.
- Miguel Cabrera
The obvious choice for number 2? It could only be the first player to achieve a Nipple Crown in over 45 seasons (ranked number one in hardness, uniformity, and Earned Rub Average).
- “Tassel-less Joe” Jackson
The true GOAT of the TEAT! Jackson’s 12-inch-diameter glass-cutters are still in a league entirely of their own. And just think: had he never taken off his shirt that one hot Carolina night because of the multiple blisters forming on his nipples, the world would never have known.
