5 Fun Facts About Pickleball You Can Casually Drop Into Conversation To Help Sell Your Cryptocurrency
If you’re like us, you woke up hungover after Super Bowl LVI only to realize you were tricked by that son of a bitch Matt Damon into drunkenly dumping your life savings in crypto right before it tanked. But fear not, because there’s a new unsustainable fad sweeping suburban America: pickleball. And by weaving these five fun pickleball facts into your next conversation, you can sell your crypto to some other gullible a-hole.
PICKLEBALL WAS INVENTED BY ELON MUSK
Celebrity endorsements are vital when getting suckers to buy in, so namedrop Elon and tell them he invented a sport originally called “Pickle Rick Ball,” but sold the rights to buy Twitter. Then tell them you’re willing to sell them some of your crypto to help get them started, but they need to act fast before Elon tweets about it and sends it to the moon.
PICKLEBALL IS THE WORLD’S ONLY DECENTRALIZED SPORT
The global elites at the International Tennis Federation don’t want pickleball to catch on because they can’t manipulate the markets of a sport the banks don’t control. Do you see JP Morgan sponsoring any pickleball tournaments? I rest my case.
KARL MALONE INVESTED IN PICKLEBALL IN 2013 AND NOW HE’S WORTH BILLIONS
To learn more, Google “Karl Malone 13”.
IT TAKES 1,449 KILOWATT HOURS TO MINE A SINGLE PICKLEBALL
That’s why each pickleball is worth $20k, but if you want to start small I can sell you a fraction of the ball for a couple grand, or 500 PickleCoins.
THE RIGHT PICKLEBALL CONNECTIONS ON ‘THE SILK COURT’ CAN GET YOU JUST ABOUT EVERYTHING
Once you’re in with the pickleball guys at your local YMCA, you can buy all kinds of sweet illegal stuff with crypto that can’t be traced back to your home court. I know a guy that can have a pickleball made of 100% organic baboon heart on your doorstep in 20 minutes, if you’re into that sort of thing.
Join us next week for five hacks to revolutionize your golf game that you can slip to a federal judge to get them to look the other way about your tax evasion.
