Even Bird-Watchers Not Interested In Falcons Game

Several of Georgia’s most prominent bird-watchers admitted they had a tough time maintaining interest during last week’s Falcons games, despite normally enjoying hours of tedious spectating.

The group, who scheduled the trip in hopes it would prove as mentally stimulating as their other birding exploits, was underwhelmed by the experience. “Usually we don’t mind sitting for hours in the same place, waiting for something to happen, but honestly watching these birds made me want to off myself,” said group leader Dave Leonard of the Falcons. “Their graceless, bird-brained attempts to score were some of the most boring, overlong, and uninspired shit I have ever seen.”

Normally a sucker for baking in the Georgia sun with binoculars, fellow birder Lorraine Haynie agreed with her colleague. “I once squatted in a thorn bush for nine hours straight—without food or water—and all I got was plenty of ticks and a glimpse of one goddamn robin,” the birder told reporters. “That experience was freakin’ Mardi Gras compared to watching these eleven assholes with zero run game try to score a single point. Plus, their calls were even weaker than some lame-ass sparrows.”

Though the group would usually consider observing falcons in their natural habitat for hours on end to be a highlight of their birding career, the hobbyists rated the experience as the worst in club history—well below the time they all got dysentery from a pond near some nesting blue herons or when they saw an endangered crane fly into a window.

“I wouldn’t normally say this, but I hope these birds go extinct,” Haynie said of the team. “I mean, it’s either me or them. If I have to watch one more minute of their mind-numbing attempts at entertainment, I’m going to put a gun in my mouth.”