Tiger Woods Announces Return To Adultery

The GOAT is back. Tiger Woods, the gallivanting gaslighter of all time, recently let the world know that he’s worked tirelessly to put his monogamy behind him and come back stronger than ever at banging strange.

“I really feel like I am in championship form right now. I’ve been practicing my secret texting day and night,” said Woods triumphantly. “I’ve been working non-stop on my short game, punching through tight windows between my girlfriend’s yoga classes and book clubs. I’ve been studying old grainy security footage to study my old form. It’s what I do best and I’m ready!”

“He’s been relentless in his dedication to getting laid again,” added longtime caddie Lance Bennett. “We’ve been working on his club selection, and he’s picking the perfect nightclubs with the dimmest lighting and the most exits. We’re back to communicating without even speaking. Like I know exactly when to hand him his burner phone and when to suggest an alternate route to avoid the press.”

“I am reading the room at hotel bars like they’re a 12-footer at Augusta and I am putting it in the cup every damn time, if you know what I mean,” added the 3-time career Grand Slam champion. “I’ll be playing a full schedule including four majors held at various La Quinta Inns across the country.”

“It’s been a long time coming to be coming for a long time,” added Woods wistfully, tearing up at the prospect of his latest comeback. “Of course, I’ll be wearing my signature Sunday Red because tradition matters.”