Alleged Serial Killer Fitting Right In On Patriots Coaching Staff

Although they were initially worried about the fit, the Patriots front office happily reported on Thursday that the team’s new defensive line coach and rumored serial murderer of over 22 people in the last four years, Darren Rowlings, has fully melded with the mentality and styles of his fellow coaches.

“Darren has fully embraced the Patriots’ scheme of player improvement through strategic, harrowing isolation,” said cornerbacks coach Mike Pellegrino, who noted that Rowlings had impressed the team early with his refusal to say a single word or even blink throughout the entire interview process. “He constantly drags them into his office, or out for late-night hikes into the middle of the Massachusetts wilderness. He even goes the extra mile to help the field crew out — just last week he asked me where we keep the industrial-sized garbage bags.”

“We’ve seen a remarkable improvement in the defensive line’s ability to read plays, break coverage, and make opponents cower in paralyzed fear since Darren’s hiring,” concurred head coach Bill Belichick. “Is he a bit unconventional? Sure, but I’ll gladly take a tackling dummy turning up with knives in its eyes every now and then if it means we can successfully take out the Bills.”

Belichick was similarly unfazed by rumors the recent mass disappearance of practice squad players was linked to Rowlings’ toughness pushing them to quit.

“We don’t know where these players — or hypothetically, their bodies — ended up, so I think Darren’s innocent until proven guilty on that one,” said the coach. “Coach Rowlings has been nothing but patient with every player under him, and they all had the utmost respect for him right up to the point they allegedly accepted his offer to drive them home from practice.”

“Besides,” added Belichick, “if these players can’t even keep themselves from getting murdered by one measly serial killer, how can they hope to compete in the modern NFL?”