Bears Fan Dies From Either Broken Or Clogged Heart

Last Sunday, Chicago Bears superfan Brian “Jowls” Wishnowski peacefully passed on to that great Lou Malnati’s in the sky. Autopsy results were inconclusive, revealing that the lifelong Soldier Field regular died of either a broken or clogged heart.

“It’s difficult to tell with cases like this,” said coroner Michael Dunfield. “Standard medical wisdom would suggest that the subject died from the layers upon layers of tailgate-food-related fat that clogged every single artery in his body. Of course, Mr. Wishnowski had also for decades consumed a steady diet of watching the Bears blow first-half leads and fail to resolve critical quarterback issues, so it totally could have been that too.”

Witnesses recounted how, at just under seven minutes left in the third quarter, Wishnowski simply fell over. “We thought he was just taking one of his spontaneous meat naps,” said longtime friend Mark “Varicose” Briggs. “But when he didn’t get up after the brat vendor came by, I knew something was wrong.”

“There were two things Jowls loved in this life,” fellow close friend Don “Ten-Chins” Newman recounted tearfully, “Da Chicago Bears and Portillo’s famous ‘Da Triple Cheese Italian Beef Burger Cake Shake.’ We’ll never know which one did him in. If you ask me, the food killed him, but the Bears murdered him.”

‘Jowls’ Wishnowski is not the first Bears fan with an ambiguous cause of death. According to reports from the Cook County coroner’s office, roughly 250 Chicago deaths per year are categorized under “broken or clogged heart”, by far the most of any NFL city. 

“That said, there’s still a small chance Jowls died from something else,” Dunfield told us. “His family has a history of White Sox fandom, so we can’t rule anything out. White Sox Syndrome ruins families and lives.”