Breaking: This Football Doesn’t Have A Penis Or Vagina, And That’s Wrong

While shopping for my big Eagles-Chiefs party this Sunday, I decided to go all-out and buy a commemorative Super Bowl XIL football. “This would really impress the guys,” I told myself. But my excitement quickly turned to nausea when I got home and took the football out of its box — in front of my children and elderly mother, no less — only to find out the football didn’t have a penis or a vagina.

This is so wrong.

As a reasonable man, I didn’t want to jump to conclusions at first. Maybe the football was a grower not a shower? Was it a lady football being modest in front of a crowd? No such luck. After 20 minutes of inspection with a flashlight and magnifying glass, I reached a bone-chilling conclusion: this football had no genitalia whatsoever.

How could this be?! Was this a sick joke?! Every football I’ve ever seen in my life has either been hanging dong or packing pocket. Never would I imagine society could go so far as to allow this genderless abomination be sold to the public. And to sell it at “Dick’s” with the name “Wilson” printed on the side?! Confusing!

While these thoughts were flashing through my head, I quickly shielded my children’s eyes and smashed my mom’s bifocals to spare her the sight. Would my kids be warped for life now? What if they asked me what bathroom this football would use? If my ex hears about this, will she get full custody of the kids?

There were so many questions that needed answering.

My biggest question, though, was if a red-blooded man doesn’t know which football has what junk, then how will he know if his attraction to it is ok with God? I tried asking my pastor and even he was at a loss for words — though he did say he’d pray for me.

Who knows? Maybe, the pastor had the right idea. I probably just need to pray on it. I’ll do so as God intended: alone and in the dark, with some tacky spray and the football in question. For at least 6-7 minutes.