Breaking: Trump Threatens E.U. With More Panthers/Giants Games

President Trump announced Monday that if the E.U. doesn’t submit to his proposed zero-tariff trade policy on imports, he’s prepared to take extreme measures. For two days Trump went silent while speculation ran wild: Would he put a hold on all exports? Institute a total trade shutdown? Wage World War III? Finally Trump addressed the issue after midnight: “I will send the Panthers and Giants back to Germany.”

In the wake of the announcement Germany pushed back with a counteroffer of a modest four-percent tariff. “It will actually help your economy,” urged Germany’s chancellor, Olaf Scholz.

Trump responded by drawing a hard line. “You guys want to see Bryce Young again? I can put him in Berlin tomorrow — and don’t think I won’t get Daniel Jones back on the field. Or worse,” Trump added. “I’ll send the Bears’ practice squad. I don’t care.”

It was time for the E.U. to step in on behalf of Germany. E.U. President Robert Mensola, who’s had four years to prepare for this presidency, was prepared to double down. “Wine will be more expensive,” said Mensola. “Pasta will be more expensive. You know, Mr. Trump, we can play hardball too.”

Trump left a meeting on immigration enforcement to post the following on Truth Social: “You guys want to see Jags-Jets? We’ll do Jags-Jets.”

Ultimately, the E.U. submitted to Trump’s demands, and the president responded in kind by agreeing to send two pleasantly mediocre teams to Zurich next fall. “Cardinals-Chargers,” Trump announced. “Crisis averted.”