Man Eating Doritos While Watching Doritos Super Bowl Commercial Realizes He’s So Fucked By Capitalism
During his Super Bowl party, when a Doritos advertisement came on just as NFL fan David Sheridan was putting another Nacho Dorito in his mouth, Sheridan suddenly realized that he was getting totally double-penetrated by American capitalism.
“God, I’m fucked on a biological level,” Sheridan said as he scanned the back of the already-half-eaten Doritos bag. “I mean look at these ingredients! Maltodextrin? Disodium inosinate? what the hell have I been putting in my body?” Sheridan continued to read more ingredients out loud as the microplastics in his brain continued to poison him. “Every Nacho crunch is another submission,” he continued under his breath.
Sheridan then shook off the idea that the upper- and lower-class are growing further apart in order to refocus on the game. “Man, Eagles versus Chiefs? This game sucks. The ads are better than this—oh, fuck! Did I really just say corporate advertisements are better than watching a game?” Sheridan said while noticing in horror that he had already instinctively grabbed another massive fistful of the addictive, chemical-infused corn chips and was currently shoving them into his face. “Oh my god, and these young athletes are also getting their lives shortened for my entertainment. How is this legal? Does anyone else see what’s happening?” Sheridan continued, as his overnight Amazon shipment containing a light-up USB-C charging cable was racing closer to his apartment.
Refusing to give in, Sheridan resolved to use his outrage to inspire action. “There is one thing those money-hungry, profit-driven robots can’t touch, and that’s sports outcomes. The last pure industry. Looks like I am going to have to sports gamble my way out from under the vicious thumb of this cruel, capitalistic society.”
Sheridan then bet $60 on Harrison Butker to make a field goal in the 4th quarter, after which a flashing notification informed him he had already won $5 towards the in-app purchase of his next parlay.
