Immigration Crackdown Leaves Florida Without Baseball Team
Speaking from the press room of a completely abandoned Tropicana Field in St. Petersburg on Monday, Florida Secretary of Commerce J. Alex Kelly noted the state’s recent hardline stance on immigration had produced the unfortunate effect of refusing safe harbor to all 51 players on both the Miami Marlins’ and Tampa Bay Rays’ active rosters.
“Baseball might be the only legal business in Florida to generate a profit, but the rules this administration has laid down must be uniformly enforced,” stated Kelly, who noted that while most Marlins fans had not noticed the lack of games, she sympathized with Rays’ fans dismay over a ruined potential World Series run.
“Also, despite fake news claiming we aren’t holding the Russian or Canadian immigrants on the Panthers or Lightning to the same standards, I assure you that all players of any race or league are eligible to stay on the roster as long as they provide at least eight forms of governmental identification, or their concealed carry permit.”
Kelly did praise the Rays’ manager, Kevin Cash, for enacting an emergency measure installing Baltimore-born starting pitcher Shane McClanahan to play all 9 field positions plus bat the entire lineup. However, McClanahan complained that only “someone like Ohtani” could perform what was being asked of him, prompting an ICE surveillance team to storm the mound and grill the pitcher as to Ohtani’s own immigration status.
“It’s only getting worse. Any new players I do try to sign ultimately opt for Sanctuary Stadiums, like Wrigley or Yankee,” complained Cash. “When is the DeSantis administration going to wake up and realize our industry needs the kind of skilled, working class laborers you can only find in places like Cuba or the D.R.? It’s not like any college-bound white kid is dreaming about a career in baseball. That’s what hockey is for.”
Update: As the Florida teams continue to try to handle their disarray, a new special-jurisdiction MLB team called the “Orlando Gay Goofys” has already been formed by the Disney Corporation, and is currently in first place in the National League.
