Brian Daboll Punishing Players for Lack of Effort by Making Them Wear Giants Jerseys and Play On Sundays

Since the dawn of time, football and punishment have walked harmoniously hand in hand. Running laps. 1AM scrimmages. Vince Lombardi’s famous guillotine. But then there are times when punishment goes too far, no longer fitting the athletic crime and moving into a dark and horrible place that makes grown men question their very existence. The same place New York Giants head coach Brian Daboll has landed with his latest diabolical brand of discipline.

“I will make every last one of them wear a Giants jersey and play every Sunday until they learn their lesson,” growled Daboll. “I’ve spent years studying Putin’s team motivation tactics, so if these insubordinate maggots won’t snap themselves into shape, I’ll do it for them. They don’t want to give the kind of effort I demand?! Then they will pay the price and be forced to humiliate themselves by playing as New York Giants week after week in front of the world’s most depressing fans. Mark my words!”

Rookies and veterans alike are understandably shaken by the fascist tenor of Daboll’s actions. “I mean, okay, making us wear the jersey is one thing,” lamented nose tackle Dexter Lawrence. “I get he’s old school like that. But then making us play on Sundays too? While wearing the jersey? That’s some Nuremberg trials shit right there!”

A rookie quarterback was so frightened, he agreed to be interviewed only if he remained anonymous. “I’ve never had a coach this sinister,” said the player who definitely is not Jaxson Dart. “I’ve spent summer afternoons in the Mississippi sun running wind sprints for hours. But this Sunday jersey atrocity? I’m going to have to call my lawyer. Or the Hague.”