Brian Urlacher Stole My Hair!

A Heralding First Hand Account By Former Bears Fan Carl Kawolski

Until now, I’ve never told anyone what happened to me. How could I? But, I’ll never forget the day that Brian Urlacher stole the hair right off of my scalp. I was attending a New Year’s Eve party when I passed out on the couch. When I awoke later that night, the same man who had recorded 153 total tackles during the 2002 season – my football idol – was in the process of removing the last of my glorious hair follicles.

At first, I denied it. I must have been too drunk, I thought. There was no way the leader of Lovie Smith’s ferocious NFC Champion defense would do such a thing. It was only when I glimpsed the first of Urlacher’s ‘Restore’ billboards that I was left with no choice but to confront the truth.

I tried to tell my friends and family, but I found that they were too distracted by the All-Pro linebacker’s sheer beauty to realize that it was my hair atop his head. Moreover, now that I was bald, my wife slowly came to forget why she ever fell in love with me in the first place. After we separated, it didn’t take long for her to find a new man: one who retained a full head of hair. That’s right; once Brian Urlacher had stolen my hair, he then used it to steal my wife. 

It wasn’t long until my precious children, George and Virginia, informed me that my paternal presence was no longer necessary in their lives, now that their mother was dating a real man with real hair. When I began crying uncontrollably and begged them to reconsider, they insisted that “Papa Brian” was the only father they needed.

Over time, Brian Urlacher has used my silky brown hair to seize all of my assets, take my job, and assume my role in every meaningful relationship I’ve ever known. I’ll never forgive that hair-stealing, identity-thieving, possibly-greatest-Bear-linebacker-of-all-time piece of shit.