Browns Announce They Have Merged Watson And Sanders To Create Sex Pest Who Can’t Throw

Birthed out of the flames of the Cleveland River, the best scientists in Ohio created a being to finally fix their team’s quarterback problem. Rather than choose between Deshaun Watson and Shedeur Sanders, the Browns managed to merge the two signal callers together to create the greatest Cleveland quarterback of all time.

“We’ve spent the entire offseason trying to pick between a talented QB with horrible off the field issues and a nepo-baby with a clean arrest record,” explained Browns owner Jimmy Haslam. “It’s tough choices like this that have made me, Jimmy Haslam, the greatest owner in all of sports. Anyway, we fused them together!”

“The Monster”, as Browns coaches have been affectionately calling it, has already been turning heads at training camp. “He chased down our social media intern to make her his bride,” Browns Head Coach Todd Monken observed. “While that might just sound like normal Deshaun stuff, he also underthrew his receiver by 17 yards and then bragged about his dad. We’ve never seen anything like this.”

Sexual confidence and a wobbly spiral are not the only traits The Monster acquired from the two Browns quarterbacks. “So far, it’s torn its Achilles 13 times in the last 3 practices.” Monken told us. “It keeps groaning and asking for a massage, but ‘not from a guy.’ Also, it keeps trying to rap.”

Meanwhile, Browns fans are already taking to the new change under center. “Whatever it is, it can’t be worse than Tim Couch,” praised Browns season ticket holder Stephen Gleason. “Or Brandon Weeden. Or Johnny Manziel. Those were real monsters.”

However, despite their heroic scientific efforts, the Browns still find themselves needing a quarterback. “Last practice, The Monster tried to gain more football talent by eating Dillon Gabriel,” Coach Monken lamented. “Turns out, there wasn’t any talent to get, and now we’re in the market for a new backup.”