Climate Scientists Expect Field Hockey To Overtake Ice Hockey By 2032

Signaling the need for immediate action to slow the potential catastrophic impacts of climate change on indoor and outdoor rinks worldwide, scientists today released their findings in a report that projects field hockey will overtake ice hockey by 2032.

The average surface temperature of a regulation-size, blood and sweat-soaked ice sheet is expected to gradually increase in both North American and larger European rinks, eventually melting the two-inch-thick playing surface and transforming it into a fertile space for field hockey.

“By 2027, the Tampa Bay Lightning and Florida Panthers will be underwater, making it dangerous for players and fans alike to visit a fully submerged saltwater arena,” said lead climatologist Dr. Jamie Floyd, adding that he recommends hockey players begin learning new modes of transportation that do not require knives affixed to their shoes.

Franchise owners are already grappling with the projected human costs.

“If our home ice melts, where will the players go? We could have mass migration and increased competition for sticks, pucks, and hockey tape that turns teammates against one another,” said Detroit Red Wings owner Christopher Ilitch.

While players and owners will be adversely affected, scientists expect them to survive. However, the lack of ice would leave Zambonis with little to no food, all but guaranteeing their eventual extinction by the start of the 2033 field hockey season.