Department Of Defense Asks Ray Lewis To Stare Down The Taliban Through Zoom Calls
As U.S. forces finish their withdrawal from Afghanistan, the Department of Defense on Thursday held a briefing to assure Americans it will remain present in the region, thanks to a new strategy of deploying former Ravens linebacker Ray Lewis to provide death glares into the camera on all future Zoom calls between chief military personnel and the Taliban.
“To the citizens of Afghanistan, we promise that as long as we have Ray’s cold, emotionless eyes on our side, you will never truly be abandoned,” said U.S. Secretary of Defense Lloyd Austin, who noted that the plan, entitled Operation Pocket Pressure, would start with a fake-out by displaying a smiling Patrick Mahomes before switching over to Lewis absentmindedly toying with a folding knife. “The American military’s top prerogative is still to keep the Taliban in check. Only we don’t drop nukes anymore. We drop Ray Lewis.”
Secretary Austin explained that Operation Pocket Pressure would employ a multifaceted strategy, projecting Lewis’ rage-filled expression not only via the military’s communication channels with the Taliban, but also onto facades of all prominent government buildings in Kabul, while simultaneously playing sound bites over all radio frequencies of Lewis alternatively screaming “blitz!” and “get out of my limo!” at the top of his lungs.
“The game plan is to strike fear into the hearts of the enemy,” reiterated Austin. “Preliminary military testing has shown restrained, targeted use of Ray Lewis effectively neutralizes all enemy combatants within eyesight, although we’ve explained to him that by no means is he allowed to do anything but stare—we can’t stress that enough. No physical contact on or off the screen.”
UPDATE: Although Operation Pocket Pressure is still in its infancy, sources are reporting that the Taliban now plan to support the Ravens in their hunt for Super Bowl glory, as long as the U.S. promises to bar Lewis from ever traveling to Afghanistan in the future.
