Empty Net A Real Slut
According to rumors circulated and later confirmed by Stephanie, the new talk of the Minnesota Wild’s Xcel Energy Center is the opposing team’s hockey net, which has scandalized the entire arena by totally opening its posts and, we swear to you, letting just about anything inside of it.
“Ugh, gag me, the visitor’s net is like, thirsty a.f. to get scored on,” tweeted 16-year-old Minnesota Wild fan and popular girl Malika Turner, rolling her eyes as the 48-inch tall, provocatively-red hockey net allowed another player’s shot to get all the way to third base with the top of its crossbar. “I’ve, like, personally seen it get pucked at least two times now. It’s not even using protection.”
Turner’s tweet was not officially confirmed by the Minnesota Wild organization, but it was re-tweeted by Wild defenseman and total effing snacc Ryan Suter, who we, like, totally trust. All we can say is: Ew.
While the net initially appeared to guard itself appropriately in the company of the opposite team, eyebrows were raised late in the second period, when a stoppage in play quickly revealed to all the world that the net was loose. And scandalized hockey game attendees have reported that, as of five minutes left in the game, the visitor net has tossed aside all sense of decorum and has proceeded to become, just, like, a total ho.
“I literally cannot even with that trash-ass net right now,” said local prep-but-who’s-like-totally-nice Ashleigh Novack. “I heard from Sarah who heard from Emily that the net also let an entire local JV team score on it, while their creepy coach filmed from the bench. And I swear my friend Rebecca saw like, ten pucks in there earlier.” So much for a good Catholic School hockey net.
While the net has not responded for comment, the community is still harboring fears that it will progress into further skankification, as the net has been seen hanging out with that totally ball-obsessed, gaping prostitute soccer net over at Allianz Field, which for all we know could be teaching it how to spread its posts even further apart.
