Fans Hoping Jake Paul Fights Cancer Next

The meteoric rise of Jake Paul, YouTuber turned professional fighter, has been marked by wins against many of the sports’ most decorated first-timers. Now fans are clamoring for Paul to take his fighting skills into the greatest battle of all: against cancer.

In an X poll posted by Paul’s manager asking fans who they’d like to see the athlete up against next, cancer quickly became the overwhelming favorite, followed distantly by the corrupt institutional power structures designed to oppress the working middle class. 

Due to the overwhelming popularity of the poll, Paul is considering the fight. “I’m gonna have to hit an intense six week tanning bed marathon training session to get in cancer fighting shape.”  

Critics of the fighter condemn his apparent lack of willingness to seek matches against stiffer competition. Melanoma, they say, is another in a string of comparably weak opponents. Paul has already drawn controversy for refusing an infusion of HIV positive blood and despite already harboring many symptoms, continues ducking brain cancer’s calls.

“You know this is part of the journey of a great fighter” Said Paul on his “BS” podcast, “We saw Ali go 0-1 to Parkinson’s. If I can come out of this with a ‘W’ I’m for sure the GOAT.”

Betting lines have Paul at -220 to beat skin cancer within 8 rounds of chemotherapy. Though Paul remains favored in the ring due to melanoma’s low fatality rate, many hope cancer will win by judge’s decision.