First Female Super Bowl Ref Excited To Be Second-Guessed On National Stage

The NFL’s first female Super Bowl referee told reporters today in a press conference that she is ecstatic at the once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to be second-guessed in front of almost 100 million Americans.

“This is the greatest honor I could receive in my profession,” Sarah Thomas, an NFL referee with nearly 15 years of experience officiating college and NFL games, told a room full of pasty male sports journalists and Jemele Hill. “Women know they’ve made it in their careers when they’re given the chance to be patronized, doubted, and discredited at the highest level. What a privilege.”

Thomas said not since the infamous 2017 press conference where Cam Newton thought it was “funny to hear a female reporter talk about routes” has a woman in sports so publicly achieved this mantle, adding that she hopes her rise also inspires many shitposts on 4chan.

“Just imagine how many hits my Wikipedia page is getting at this very moment as football fans across the world look into my qualifications,” Thomas said. “Unfortunately for my male colleagues, people just assume they’re qualified!”

In addition to the skepticism of her abilities, Thomas noted she is also excited for the nation to rate her appearance on a scale of 1 to 10. “I can’t wait to be scrutinized by every man, woman, and child in America,” Thomas told reporters, while adjusting the slimming black-and-white striped outfit she has no choice but to wear. “My peers are judged only on their merits. But I’m blessed that my makeup, weight, and facial symmetry are considered equally important.”

Thomas concluded the press conference by expressing her eagerness to hear the theories about how many dicks she had to suck for the chance to be verbally abused by millionaires who play a game for a living.