Five Foolproof Techniques To Assert Dominance Over The Other Parents At The Soccer Jamboree
Studies show that you have 6.5 minutes to establish who the alpha family is at a suburban sports tournament. The moment you unload the minivan the clock starts ticking, so here’s five battle-tested techniques to assert dominance over the other parents at your next soccer jamboree.
BRING YOUR OWN WHISTLE
There’s no bigger authority figure at a jamboree than the referee, so why would you let some volunteer big-dog you in front of the other parents? Bring your own whistle that’s twice as big and three octaves lower — when he starts tooting his little kazoo, you blast your mouth cannon and award your own yellow card.
MAKE YOURSELF BIG
You aren’t going to be the only parent out there trying to dominate the jamboree, so the bigger you appear, the less the other parents will try you. I like to get on my wife’s shoulders to make myself look as big as possible — that’s alpha co-parenting!
CONDITION THE OTHER PARENTS BY REWARDING GOOD BEHAVIOR WITH TREATS
When the other parents cheer for your kid, give them beef jerky as a treat or some wimpy chickpea crap if they’re vegan. And if they cheer for their own kid, correct the behavior with a spray bottle filled with vinegar. By the end of the season they’ll be cheering so loud for your kid that you won’t even have to.
SWAP YOUR KID OUT WITH A RINGER
If your kid is out there picking dandelions, the other parents aren’t going to fear you. That’s why you need a ringer. Put out a Craigslist ad for former child actors — they’re desperate for work and look like kids, but are twice as big.
SELL TICKETS
The other parents show up to watch their kids, but what’s this? The bleachers are already full because you sold out the jamboree to a bus full of confused Germans tourists. Soon they’ll be on their knees begging you for a camping chair.
Join us next time when we break down five surefire strategies to ensure your kid makes the JV tennis team by seducing their coach.
