GNC Announces Shift To Steroid-Only Business Model

While professional athletes continue to prove that anabolic steroids are the only way to excel in sports, consumer demand for the drug has finally outpaced that of all other nutritional supplements combined, finally pushing GNC to pivot to a steroid-only business model.

The announcement came this week from GNC CEO, Ken Martindale. “It’s time we give the people what they want,” he said in a press conference outside company headquarters, adding, “traditional protein bars and multivitamins don’t produce the veiny, meaty gains our customers seek.”

The company isn’t taking this shift from a variety of products which promote health to a single one that ruins it lightly. Martindale assured reporters that the new products will be just as diverse as before, ranging from steroid gummies, cookies, pills, oils, and shakes, to injectable liquid for traditionalists.

“Going forward, employees will be tested for steroids regularly to ensure they don’t stop juicing,” said Martindale while showing reporters a photo of the new GNC uniform consisting of only jean shorts and tanning oil, which he said is designed to “emphasize the staff’s beefed-out bods, while deemphasizing their shriveled-up sacks.” 

“Again, we’re just giving the people what they want, you can’t hold that against us,” Martindale stressed one last time before revealing GNC’s new $20 million endorsement deal with Jose Conseco.