Coronavirus Forces Bullfighters To Murder Bulls Without Audience

In a tragic turn of events, social distancing measures have forced Spanish officials to ban audiences from bullfights, devastating the millions of bloodthirsty fans who enjoy watching animals be taunted and tortured before their eventual murder. 

Officials from the Madrid City Council assured the outraged public that while no spectators will be there to witness future fights, the hundreds of bulls scheduled to be stabbed to death will still be executed as planned. “No virus can stop our brave matadors from conquering these deliberately weakened beasts,” councilman Alfonzo Carranza said before declaring bullfighters “essential workers.”

Some matadors were quick to voice skepticism over the decision. “How am I supposed to kill without the roar of the crowd egging me on? That’s the whole point,” noted one anonymous bullfighter.

Others seemed more open to the idea. “Without all the spectacle, I can probably mutilate 10 or 12 more bulls a day,” said one bullfighter who was excited to trade in his bulky traje de luces for pajama pants as he transitions to working from home. 

Asked when fans can return, Councilman Carranza told reporters, “Once this cruel virus stops taking innocent lives before their time.”