Hurdler Not Feeling Very Hurdly Lately

Lakeview High School hurdler Sheila Thompson, known for being one of the most hurdly people in school, admitted today that she, unfortunately, isn’t feeling very hurdly at all. Thompson said she feels like hurdles are in her way, repeatedly clarifying that she meant both literally and metaphorically.

“Life has hurdles, but so do running tracks, and so does life, you know?” said Thompson, who says lately she can hardly get her feet off of the ground. 

“Some days a three-foot hurdle feels three feet. Sometimes it feels four, even five feet. On the worst days? That hurdle feels six feet,” Thompson said, adding that she dreams of the day when she can just run around a track sans hurdles, but isn’t getting her hopes up. 

“Who am I when I’m not hurdling? Am I even a person?” said the hurdler. “Run, run, jump, run, rum, jump, run, jump, run, jump, run, JUMP!” said HURDLE, the most hurt hurdler in the whole world, hurtling towards death with a herd of hurdling hurdlers, hurling with each hurdle with their protective hurdle girdles.